Thatcher elbows his way into world of science

With a turn of the shoulder and a flick of the elbow, Ben Thatcher ended Pedro Mendes’s participation in Portsmouth’s match at Manchester City on Wednesday with an act of breathtaking brutality. It wasn’t even Thatcher’s first such offence, with Nicky Summerbee and Paul Kitson having previously felt the force of that very same swinging ginglymus (most medical words are at least four times less interesting than whatever it is they describe, but that one’s a lot better than elbow). The former offence, in January 2000, prompted so much outrage that Kevin Keegan, who had been planning to call up the player for England, dropped him so emphatically that he ended up a Welshman.

Now Thatcher’s name is once more being spat with fury by the nation’s commentators. It was, without doubt, a horrendous challenge – a point proved when the best replica canada goose jacket referee Dermot Gallagher, taking into account the new season’s directive to get all major decisions completely wrong, waved a yellow card and issued a mild ticking-off. “What do you have to do to get a red, kill someone?” wondered Mendes’s manager Harry Redknapp as his charge was placed under neurological supervision. On Match of the Day, Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson agreed that such mindless violence has “no place in football”.

It was this caveat to their complaint that earned my attention. Insisting that berlin film festival ends canada goose jacket sponsorship amid Thatcher’s elbow has “no place in football” is a tacit admission that it does have a place somewhere else. Assuming that extremely destructive Thatcher Elbows cannot be manufactured on a grand scale by dastardly munitions companies, I could think of only one possible use for it.

Sir Isaac Newton was an admirable fellow sale, and by all accounts a half-decent mathematician, but whoever decided that he would also make a decent unit of measurement was clearly mistaken. Somehow, nearly 300 years after his death, Newton remains our default way of judging force – with dangerous results. We just don’t know what he means any buy canada goose parka cheap more, and the result is clear: we throw force around with excessive and frequently destructive abandon.

Thatcher’s elbow could quantify force in a much more meaningful manner. After all, we’ve seen the impact that one Thatcher’s Elbow can make – you do the canada goose coat 1000 maths. Dull definitions in humdrum news reports would suddenly spring to life:

“With its brake fluid already used to water the family’s petunias, which were at risk of drying up as a result of this summer’s hosepipe ban, canada goose coat 1000 calorie Mr Smith lost control of the car as he attempted to navigate a route down the treacherous slopes of Primrose Hill, their ordeal only ending when they crashed into a horse chestnut tree. Scientists estimated that they average price for a canada goose jacket hit the tree with the force of 6.3 Thatcher’s Elbows, enough to dislodge its entire crop of conkers, in can you pick the most expensive canada goose parka turn causing a passing cyclist severe concussion – which serves him right for not wearing a helmet.”

Wednesday’s incident also brought to light one of the most pressing problems facing football – that almost all professionals are in possession of four limbs, but in canada goose coat 1000 calorie meal plans need of only two. While the legs are fairly important, the arms are a constant source of heartache, responsible only for causing needless penalties and horrendous injuries. As an added bonus, without them not only would players no longer have to remove their diamond-encrusted watches before each match, they wouldn’t even have to buy them. The money best canada goose jacket they saved they could give to charity (or to their local bookmakers, whichever).

Obviously I’m not about to propose a campaign of enforced amputation, which might particularly disadvantage Thatcher himself – his manager Stuart Pearce yesterday suggested that “in all honesty he hasn’t got a leg to stand on” – but there would surely be an advantage to tying each player’s arms together behind their backs before each game. Not only would it keep them out of harm’s way, it would also render Wayne Rooney almost entirely indistinguishable from a giant weeble.

On the downside, it would make it extremely difficult for anyone to run without falling over. It would, therefore, buy canada goose jacket uk be prudent to test out the measure in a competition that is already faintly comical, such as the Champions League.

Sure, it would change the game, but it would also send out a strong message – using your arms is cheating and it is dangerous, it is not acceptable and should not even be possible. This simple expedient would make the message with great force. About 2.5 Thatcher’s Elbows, I’d guess.

sport.stuff@theguardian.com